This was just not a good day at all. It makes the top five on the bad day list. It was a bad day because of a lot of things, and the bad just kept getting worse. And the worst part is that once something goes wrong, you feel so bad that everything else goes wrong, and more things just keep going wrong. It's the roller coaster of bad days.
Actually, my bad day started last night - well, technically it was past midnight so it was today last night. Sort of. Anyways, I had to an entire group orject with minimal help from one of the group members and no help from the other people in the group. None. It was all me. And they waited for me to do it too, I suspect. So I had to come up with the ideas, type them, and check them in the book. Which gave me no time to study for my AP Lang quiz on 2 short stories I hadn't read. So I never got to read them. And I failed the quiz. And we went over the quiz that I failed with all the black slashes through the questions I got wrong. Like big daggers piercing my cornea. Tears of sadness and anger and hatred started to spill out of my eyelids. How could my group do this to me? Didn't they know I had to study for this quiz and that it was really important? And now I failed it? But no, I spent the night doing something for people who weren't even grateful. I don't think they acknowleded my work and my effort, nor did they care I failed a quiz for the group. It was expected that I did the questions, and if I didn't have them, who knows what would happen to the fate of the world? Next time, perhaps if I do nothing, my existence would be more appreciated. I've always been the one in groups who comes up with the idea, makes the project look good, does all the research and ties up all the loose ends. French video project? I was the film editor, filmer, script writer, and an actor myself. History project? I made the maps (hand-painted) and the labels and typed the information for the posters. And, since I missed the presentation date, I also made a movie of my presentation. What else have I done? Well, there are really too many instances in which I have been screwed over from group projects.
I trudged on to yearbook, glum and vapid, carrying the questions that I made with me. All I could do was sit on the rolly chair and drop my head on the table. I barely did anything in class for 2 whole hours. Depressed and hopeless, I thought to myself, I'm a real failure. I failed the quiz, I'm probably failing the class, and I didn't gain anything from the project I did. I thought about where my quest for happiness was going - nowhere - and how I was terrible at finding the good in each day.
But then I realized (actually it was a few hours later that I realized it) that this whole time I have been looking for happiness and trying so hard to make every day perfectly happy and wonderful. I'm becoming obsessive about finding happiness that I wouldn't let myself feel anything but that. I would get more down on myself than normal because I was not happy. So imagine that you have not been doing well in your work and you think your boss might lay you off. And you feel really sad, worried, and upset. But you have this new boyfriend and you don't want him to think that you are depressed all the time, so you hide it and act upbeat and happy. Hiding your feelings to save face and pretending to be happy isn't happiness. I'm not saying lashing out and crying hysterically will make you feel better and all of a sudden it will bring you joy. But not being true to yourself won't help you.
I think sometimes we expect too much out of a day. We might wake up and think to ourselves, this will be a good day. And with this notion implanted in our heads, we will do anything to make our day good. Sometimes if I have a bad day, I will say to myself, well, this isn't good at all. This was supposed to be a good day, and now I am angry about school. Now I will have nothing to blog about. My readers will think I am a failure. They'll stop reading this and think that she is a hypocrite. I have to turn this around or else I will be doomed to a life of sadness. But I was becoming so obsessed about being happy that I was denying my feelings. My head was taking over my emotions. By denying my emotions, I wasn't feeling true happiness. I was wearing a happiness mask.
I'm not saying you should cry your eyeballs out or hide in a closet and cry everytime someone looks at you the wrong way, but just don't try to hide what you are feeling. Sometimes you actually have to hide your feelings temporarily. For instance, if you are an aerial silk performer in the circus and the silks are pinching you as you twist in them (and believe me, it KILLS your thighs and stomach), it might be a good idea to hide your pain while you are performing. Just saying.
Sometimes we feel like the world is against us everyone is out to get us. Sometimes we feel like dying under a rock because we feel like things can't get any worse. Sometimes people hurt you or take advantage of you, and they don't say sorry. Sometimes nothing goes as planned and everything is ruined.
But things will get better. Life has positive times and life has negative times. It's unnatural to feel one emotion all the time, including happiness. We are all humans, and that means we all have emotions. Not just one, but a whole filing cabinet full of them. Sometimes it's best if you express what you are feeling and not conceal it. And then, when you feel better, you can feel true happiness, instead of trying to mask sadness with happiness. Let your emotions flow out of you - raw, unrefined, naked emotion.